Right now, self-care is not all about relaxation and rejuvenation. This might seem backwards, but sometimes caring for yourself might mean doing things that are stressful or uncomfortable, but are things that are important for your self-integrity, self-respect, safety, and boundaries.

A difficult conversation is one thing that can cause short term stress but is important for your long term relationship with yourself and important for long term relationships with others (at home and at work).

This year we’ve been faced with very big issues, large amounts of stress, and difficult decisions. This combination naturally creates a high potential for misalignment, disagreement, tension, and conflict when communicating with others.

I’ve had my share of difficult and uncomfortable conversations this year and you probably have too. I’ve felt frustrated with others when trying to communicate what feels safe to me. I’ve also felt frustrated with myself when trying to communicate something important but not being able to find the right words. These conversations can leave me feeling emotionally fatigued, and sometimes it can take a whole day or many days for my emotions to stabilize. But, sometimes these conversations have felt like taking a step forward.

So I’m learning to navigate this along with you. This isn’t easy for me either and I’ve been trying to learn through trial, error, and reflection.

Here are some things that I’ve found to be helpful in approaching difficult or uncomfortable conversations:

1. Be compassionately direct and clear. You can be direct while being kind, and you can be clear while being patient. Being direct and clear means being in control of not only your words but also of your verbal and non-verbal communication. Try not to raise your voice or talk too fast. Speaking with clarity is not easy, and it might help to write your thoughts down before saying it out loud.

2. Ground yourself first, if possible. We can’t always plan ahead for difficult conversations, but when you can, take a few minutes to yourself beforehand to breathe and connect to yourself. There’s a 3-minute grounding meditation on this page you can listen to for free that might help. I would also recommend grounding yourself after the conversation too. If in case you get thrown into a difficult conversation unexpectedly, it can be okay to say, “hold on, let me take a breath first so that I can be present and listen to what you have to say.”

3. Share how you are feeling in the moment. Saying something like, “this is really difficult for me to talk about” or, “I feel stressed and anxious talking about this, but it’s important that I address this” can help build connection in the moment. Saying how you feel out loud can also help to take the edge off your emotions and help you be mindful of what you are feeling instead of getting emotionally flooded.

4. Do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, thirsty, or very tired. Take care of your immediate physiological needs first so that you can think more clearly and respond rather than react. Uncomfortable conversations require a lot of work from your brain and keeping your blood sugar levels stable and keeping your body hydrated are very important for your cognition.

5. Do your best but allow yourself to be imperfect. We won’t always find the right words or be able to do the exact right thing to find resolution in difficult conversation. But we can try our best with what we have and use every conversation as a learning experience to better approach the next difficult conversation. Putting too much pressure on yourself to say the exact right thing can sometimes block a true and compassionate response. And, a difficult conversation is more about being honest than saying the “right” thing or saying what you think the other person wants to hear.

6. Stay in touch with how a difficult conversation emerges from a place of love and care. Difficult conversations are difficult not only because there’s a potential for conflict. It is also difficult because you care. It wouldn’t bother you so much if you didn’t care. Many times difficult conversations are rooted in place of genuine concern and love for another person or for yourself. Give yourself some credit for being a big-hearted person whose love is strong and courageous enough to handle big conversations.

None of these things are easy, and it will all be a work in progress. Especially now.

I also want to to point out that all of these things apply to having difficult conversations with yourself too. Your internal dialogues are just as important as any conversation you have with someone else.

And so part of how we’ll get through this year is with stress management techniques and another part of getting through this will be our ability to have uncomfortable and difficult conversations with each other and with ourselves.

So for now, it can help to normalize difficult conversations and to accept that this is going to a big part of not just how we get through 2020, but how we get through life. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Having difficult conversations can lead to growth, progress, connection, insight, and can help build inner strength.

Remember that in all of this we are human beings trying to communicate with other human beings and sometimes this is wonderful and sometimes this is difficult. This is part of the human experience.

And again, give yourself some credit for being a big-hearted person who cares deeply.

Thank you for being you. My heart goes out to you wherever you are today.

Ami Kunimura
August 12, 2020

If you’ve been feeling very tired lately, one possible reason is that making decisions can be very difficult these days. The amount of mental effort that decision making takes can be very draining.

Over the past few months, decisions that used to be simple are not so simple anymore. Trying to decide who you should see or not see in person, when to go to the store, or even trying to figure out what to make for dinner can be a tiring task.

And, bigger life decisions can be very difficult because of the amount of uncertainty. Many people are trying to make big decisions about work or life that are hard to make with limited information about what the rest of the year is going to be like. This uncertainty can be very draining.

Another part of the decision fatigue I’ve been observing in my clients and myself is how hard it can be to make decisions with other people. Maybe your workplace is making decisions you don’t agree with. Maybe your kids aren’t happy with the decisions you’re making to try to keep them safe. Maybe your friends make different decisions when it comes to social distancing. Maybe your parents’ decisions about what it means to be careful is not what you consider to be careful. There’s lots of room for disagreement right now, and this can be emotionally tiring on many levels.

Decision fatigue is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Roy Baumeister who’s research has looked at how the brain uses glucose for every decision we make. Our brain has a limited capacity for mental tasks and when we try to make decisions when we are past that capacity, it can be very difficult because the energetic resources aren’t there.

One thing I want to emphasize today is the idea that we do have limits, and it is very important to notice when we have reached an emotional or mental limit when it comes to making decisions.

If you find yourself in a moment where you’ve reached a limit with your ability to make decisions (this is often experienced as frustration with yourself or others), this could be a signal from your body and brain that you need to pause and do something to replenish and care for yourself.

This can simply be drinking a glass of water, eating a meal, or taking a few breaths. This could also mean stepping away from your phone or computer for even a few minutes to ground yourself.

When we treat decision fatigue as a symptom, it can help to see the big picture of what we actually need. Monitoring your decision fatigue is a way you can stay in touch with yourself and gauge your body’s needs.

I encourage you to be patient with yourself today with the decisions you face. This is a difficult time. Your brain and your body have been working so hard the past few months and it’s okay if it takes longer than normal to make decisions or to figure things out.

Give yourself some space and give yourself time.

Ami Kunimura
June 24, 2020

Imagine you’re sitting somewhere comfortable and you’re eating one of your most favorite foods.

Giving yourself the space to enjoy this food while being present with yourself, taking the time to enjoy this food, and allowing yourself to enjoy this food without guilt or judgement – this can be self-compassion.

And now imagine that as you’re eating, someone you love walks up to you. That feeling of wanting to share your food with this person so you can enjoy it together – that is compassion.

Compassion can come in many forms, and one of the simplest meanings of compassion is “to be with.”

It can be hard to know sometimes what to do to help yourself or to help others during a difficult time, and seeing what it might mean to “be with” can be a good place to start.

Being with yourself and your feelings can be an act of compassion, even if you don’t feel any different after. Being with someone while they feel their feelings can be an act of compassion, even if nothing is solved.

“Being with” involves presence and listening, and focuses more on the process than results.

Right now, there’s something within you (a feeling, a thought, or a desire) that needs you to just be with it right now. What might that be?

And, right now, there might be someone who just needs to to be yourself so you can share an authentic moment together. Who might that be?

Compassion can be source of resilience to keep moving through this year one day at a time. Remember that resilience does not mean being strong all the time. But, resilience can mean choosing compassion, even in the smallest of ways.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make with self-care, or with caring for others, is thinking that a small act of kindness won’t matter. I know your big heart wants to do big things, but also allow for progress in small moments of simply “being with.”

Be with your breath, your heart, and your soul. They want to be with you.

Ami Kunimura
June 17, 2020

I had the honor of being the keynote speaker at this year’s MAR-AMTA Conference. In my presentation, I talked about what resilience means and how to cultivate it even in difficult times. Today I wanted to share a little bit of what I talked about.

Resilience can be difficult to feel sometimes, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, drained or stressed.

I want to remind you that resilience is not about being strong all the time. Rather, resilience is recognizing that both struggle and strength exist in the present moment.

Here are a few other ways to think about what it means to be resilient:

• Picking yourself up instead of being hard on yourself
• Recognizing stress and anxiety and moving through it in a meaningful way
• Adapting to change (even in small ways) or creating change (even in small ways)
• Responding to stress with self-care

One way you can build resilience today is to create a resilience statement for yourself. This is a simple statement that acknowledges both struggle and strength, which can help bring in a sense of balanced perspective and help honor yourself as a human being.

To create your statement of resilience, fill in the blanks here –

When I am experiencing/feeling __(identify a challenge, feeling, or stressor)__, I can__(how you can respond with self-care, compassion, or strength)__.

Here are some examples:

When I’m feeling anxious I can take a deep breath.
When I’m experiencing grief I can be patient with my feelings.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed I can take a moment to pause and speak kindly to myself.

Create your statement. Write it down. You’re welcome to reply and share it with me if you’d like to.

I want to emphasize the importance of acknowledging stress and pain because it can be damaging to ignore it or push it away. And, acknowledging our stress and our pain is a step towards resilience and growth individually and as a collective. To do this, we can practice the art of listening.

One of the most valuable things we can do right now is listen. Listen to the call from your heart, listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you, listen to your body and to the whispers within.

And, listen to others. Try listening to others knowing that you do not need to immediately figure out the exact right thing to do or say. Listen to learn. As we learn from ourselves and from each other we can move forward one day at a time.

Listening is an act of compassion, and compassion can build resilience.

Be kind to yourself today.

Ami Kunimura
June 10, 2020

A week ago I sent out an email with a short survey that started with asking a simple question – How are you?

Hundreds of responses came in, and many used this survey as a way to release the the weight of what was on their hearts and minds. Many of the responses expressed feelings of loneliness, fear, and exhaustion. And, themes of growth and learning were there too.

Here are just some of the responses to – how are you (really)?

Feeling frustrated, tired, lonely, and exhausted.

It’s different every day, and even throughout the day. Life feels surreal most of the time. I’m in my own head a lot. I’m coming into some really wonderful new personal truths, but it doesn’t stop the rushing of anxiety and depression that tend to creep around the edges of my mind.

In a weird way, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. Being furloughed gave me an amazing opportunity to cry, discover myself, work through fear and shame, and get my life back on track. On the other hand, I feel like news of covid death toll, Illness, and racial violence has been weighing heavily on me, making me feel helpless.

Up and down. One day confident in the decisions I have made, next day doubting myself. One day feeling a sense of freedom in the changes I am making in my life. The next day sad and full of grief related to the loss and change.

I feel as though I’m running at about 60% capacity of what would be my best self.

Stressed out but coping. Simple things like shopping feel like uphill battles.

I’m scared. I’m scared for my family, myself, the world.

Some days I feel okay about things and other days I don’t. There are days that I worry and other days that I can focus on grounding to bring me peace.

I read every single response that came in. I heard so much pain and struggle and I related to much of what was shared. My broke for those who lost loved ones to COVID-19, for those who cannot see family members, for those who feel lonely in midst of pain and uncertainty, and those struggling with mental health challenges. This is a difficult time.

And, my heart was deeply affected by Black persons going through a pandemic while also carrying the weight of racial injustice and inequality along with lifetimes of collective grief and trauma. I posted a support statement on my social media channels this week, and I want to say again that The Self-Care Institute stands against racism and discrimination in all forms and we stand in solidarity with our Black community.

Our mission at The Self-Care Institute is to support people in caring for themselves and we strive to create more compassion in this world. I will continue to do my best for you and keep working towards this even when it’s hard to. This week, I’m continuing to focus on compassion through listening.

And so, I’m still listening and I am especially paying attention to what you need support with.

A lot has changed since last Wednesday and so I ask you again, how are you (really)? If you would like to check in, offload your thoughts and worries, or have a chance to honestly say how you’re doing, you can do that anonymously here.

In the responses I received last week, one thing I noticed was a common longing for hope, starting with hope that things will get better.

Hope can often be found in kindness. Even for a moment today, show some kindness to yourself – say something kind to yourself, find patience for your feelings, or practice listening to yourself without judgement. I know that may not seem like enough and you might need more than that, but it’s a place to start.

Ami Kunimura
June 3, 2020

Lately I’ve been reflecting on what “balance” means right now.

Balance was hard enough to attain before the pandemic started, and now it means something completely different.

Balance can be a tricky word. I often get asked if work/life balance is possible and if this even a healthy goal to aim for. What matters here is how you are defining what balance means for yourself. An unrealistic definition of balance (such as perfectly maintaining all areas of your life) can be unfair to yourself. However, a realistic and personalized definition of balance can be helpful to give you something to work towards.

Balance is not about perfection, balance is about compassion.

Here are some ways I’ve been looking at what balance means right now –

• Balance can mean encouraging yourself while also being patient and gentle with yourself.
• Balance can mean finding harmony with your expectations and your reality.
• Balance can mean finding a compromise between what you want to do and what you can do.
• Balance can mean not being so hard on yourself.

I want to check in with you today to make sure you’re not being too hard on yourself.

When it comes to balance, remember that what balance means for your life is defined by you. Balance does not mean having everything in order, being in a good mood all the time, giving equally to everyone, or having perfect self-care. Please do not expect this of yourself, especially not now.

Instead, we can work towards having a balanced perspective of ourselves and our lives, where both struggle and strength coexist and we allow ourselves to be human.

Allow yourself to be human.

Balance is about compassion, not perfection.

One day at a time.
This too shall pass.

Ami Kunimura
April 29, 2020

I want to remind you that a feeling of peace is in reach. In difficult times, peace can be hard to find, but moments of peace can be created within. These moments matter.

Your body and mind have been through a lot lately, and even small moments of peace in the midst of it all can be nourishing and meaningful.

You don’t have to wait for a moment of peace, you can give one to yourself right now.

This isn’t always easy, so I’ll help you here in five simple steps that will take less than a minute:

1. Take a deep breath in through your nose as you count to four . . .

2. Slowly exhale through your mouth as you count to eight . . .

3. Relax your shoulders and face, and place one hand over your chest.

4. Ask your heart what it’s grateful for. Listen, allow it to respond, and pause.

5. Take another deep breath in and feel your chest rise. Then, release your hand as your exhale.

Although we often think of peace as the absence of conflict, stress, or worry, it’s important to remember that peace can be its own essence that is not necessarily dependent on the absence or presence of anything else.

Peace can exist within us even during hard times and we can continue to create peace in small moments. These moments can be little nudges that can help you get through an hour, a day, a week, or the rest of this pandemic. Each moment of peace you create contributes to the peace in this world.

I know that these days it might be difficult to get to the peaceful spaces with ourselves, but this is when we need it most.

Don’t wait for peace, create it.

Ami Kunimura
April 22, 2020

Do you remember what you dreamt about last night?
What have your dreams been like lately?

A few weeks ago I had a dream where I was with my friends and family and as we were laughing together my dad looked at me and said, “I’m so happy you’re here with us right now.” In that moment I suddenly became aware that I was dreaming and I looked at my dad and said, “no, I’m not really here, this is just a dream.” I woke up in tears and felt sad the rest of the day.

This dream showed me how much I was grieving. I knew I missed them, but that dream helped me realize that being far away my parents and my brother has been the hardest thing for me about this pandemic. Facing those feelings and tending to them was necessary for me to cope and heal through all of this. That dream broke my heart, but also gave me information to help me piece it back together.

What about you? What have you been dreaming about?

Your body, mind, and soul communicate with you through your dreams, and your dreams can provide important clues about how to care for yourself right now.

I’ve also been having many vivid, intense, and strange dreams lately and I’m hearing that a lot of others are too. Dreams like these can be an indication that the body and mind are trying to work together to process a lot of information, decisions, emotions, uncertainties, and unresolved stress.

It can sometimes help to pick out patterns, specific images, or symbols from these types of dreams to see what might information might be coming through that you can work with.

Dreams where things are “normal” again, like the one I had, can be difficult right now when we have desires that can’t be met such as getting a hug from a certain person or simply going to the store to get groceries without worrying about getting a virus. Even though we can’t fulfill specific desires right now, we can still care for the feelings around them and acknowledge feelings of loss. Listen to how your heart might calling out to you to pay attention to your feelings and your needs.

What do you think your dreams are telling you in regard to how to care for yourself right now?

Take a moment to think about what your dreams are communicating with you.

Be gentle and patient with yourself as you think about this.
Approach this with curiosity and compassion.

When it comes to dreams and sleep, here are some tips to get better quality sleep and calm your mind so your dreams are not so distressing or intense:

• Try your best not to get frustrated with yourself if you can’t sleep or consistently have stressful dreams. Frustration could just make it all worse. Instead, approach sleep with gentleness and patience, and practice listening to your body instead of demanding it to do things. Direct your energy into being disciplined with your sleep hygiene instead of using energy to get upset with yourself or your body.
• Move your body for 30 minutes during the day. If it’s possible to go for a walk outside, schedule that in. Or, stay inside and do some stretching, yoga, dancing, or something else.
• Talk things out and process your stress, fears, or anxieties with someone else. Sometimes we’re not even aware of what we’re stressed about. Talking things out with someone can help you see things that you can’t see yourself and and can help you process your experiences so that your body and mind don’t have to take on the task of working through it in your sleep.
• Self-reflection, journaling, creating art or music, meditation, or creative writing can be excellent practices for making sense of your experiences right now. These can be an energetic outlets to help discharge unresolved stress.
• What you eat matters too. Avoid refined sugar and caffeine as much as possible, especially after 3 pm. The protein in certain foods such as red meat or tuna have been known to cause vivid dreams.
• Listen to one of my mediations here before going to sleep (scroll down on this page to find the recordings).

Again, what do you think your dreams are telling you in regards to what kind of self-care you need?

Remember, your dreams are a space where your body, mind, and soul communicate with you.

Practice listening.

Ami Kunimura
April 15, 2020

Drop your shoulders down and relax the space between your eyebrows.

So much tension and stress has built up over the past month.

Take a deep breath in, and slowly exhale some of that tension out.

This week we need to work on releasing, recovering, and learning from past stress.

It can be challenging to recover from past stress while still having to deal with current stress, but here’s one thing we have going for us that we didn’t have a month ago – we have a little experience to draw from about what going through a global pandemic is like.

Although this is still rather new and there’s still uncertainty for the future, we have a different vantage point than when this first started.

Each day, so much learning is happening and we can start harnessing the value of these lessons now to help ourselves and others. We don’t have to wait till this is over to learn from it and do something to help ourselves.

So let’s reflect on what we’ve learned and experienced over the past month. Our reflections will help us gather information that will help us manage our stress and make decisions as we continue through this.

Here are four questions to reflect on:

1. What has helped you to get through this pandemic so far?
(Clarifying questions: What has helped you deal with the stress? What people, activities, or media have been helpful for you? Is there something you’ve being doing regularly that helps you feel better? What has been grounding for you? What are you grateful to have had during this time? What’s a positive coping skill you’ve implemented that was helpful?)

2. What has not been helpful that you need to stop doing or do less of?
(Clarifying questions: What are some behaviors, people, or situations that have negatively impacted your well-being? What negative coping skills might you need to decrease? What ways have fear or stress manifested that have made this harder for yourself or others?)

3. How could you be kinder or more compassionate with yourself through this?
(Clarifying questions: Is there something you’ve been too hard on yourself about? How have you been putting too much pressure on yourself? How could you have given yourself more grace, patience, and love during this difficult time?)

4. Gently place one hand on your chest and take a breath. Take a moment with your heart and be here with your body. What are your heart and body communicating with you?
(Clarifying questions: What does your heart need right now? What does your body need? What lessons might your heart have to share with you? What messages might your heart and body have for you? What wisdom does your heart hold?)

If the answers to these questions are not all there yet, that’s okay. They will come with time. Even just considering these questions can help your mind shift into curiosity, which can be a healthy state of mind to be in.

Do not underestimate importance of the answers that do come, and use this as information to make changes. Your responses here hold valuable wisdom on how to recover from all the stress that built up and how to keep moving forward through this.

I recommend going over these questions first on your own as a personal reflection exercise. Write this down in your journal or copy and paste these questions into a document on your computer and type out your responses.

Then, go over these questions with your family, friends, and loved ones if you’d like to. One great way to release stress is through words and communication, and learning can be solidified when communicated.

Again, drop your shoulders down and relax the space between your eyebrows.

Take a deep breath in, and slowly exhale…

Ami Kunimura
April 8, 2020

One topic I have found myself talking a lot about lately with my clients, family, and friends is trauma. For the past 14 years I’ve been working with adults and children who have experienced trauma, and my work in self-care and burnout prevention first started with helping professionals who worked in trauma and were experiencing vicarious traumatization.

It’s important to know that this COVID-19 crisis is a traumatic event. Although trauma can feel like a heavy and scary word, trauma can be a useful word to use because this can help us make sense of how our minds and bodies are reacting to this.

A response to trauma in this current situation can look very different between different people. Panic buying and hoarding are trauma responses, and so is denial, defiance, or avoidance. Other responses can include difficulty focusing, irritability, heightened sensitivity, feeling emotionally overwhelmed, feeling numb, or feeling helpless.

Many of these reactions relate to the flight/flight/freeze reaction that happen when we face trauma, stress, or a threat. One of the first steps in dealing with this is noticing these reactions as a response to trauma rather than going into a downward spiral of thinking that something’s wrong with you or that you’re weak and can’t handle this.

When it comes to people going through a traumatic event together, I wanted to bring you some hope and good news too. In addition to the fight/flight/freeze response, there’s a lesser known response called tend-and-befriend.

Research has found that tend-and-befriend is a common response to trauma or stress and involves nurturing behaviors, actively tending to one’s family or community, reaching out to help others, and/or strengthening one’s relationships or social network.

If you’ve felt a stronger pull to connect with your friends and family or felt a stronger urge to help, nurture, or care for others (including yourself), this is the tend-and-befriend response. Listen to it when it’s there. It’s a good thing that can come out of all of this.

However – this doesn’t mean you need to be tending to and befriending others all the time. This also involves tending and befriending yourself. And, make sure you allow others to tend-and-befriend you so they get a chance to do this too.

Each day through this COVID-19 crisis, fight/flight/freeze reactions and tend-and-befriend reactions can happen simultaneously and it’s likely you’ll experiencing a mix of this reactions. Not everyone responds to trauma in the same way, and observing our own reactions can help us understand our needs and what we need to do to manage our stress.

For today, see how tend-and-befriend can help you get through this.

You can tend-and-befriend yourself by being patient with yourself and giving yourself grace. This might mean not putting so much pressure on yourself or allowing space and compassion for what you feel.

You can tend-and-befriend others by reaching out with warmth and kindness. This might mean a heart-felt phone call, or could simply be offering a smile during a difficult time.

We can tend-and-befriend each other by keeping our souls connected and moving forward through this together one day at a time.

Ami Kunimura
April 1, 2020

My emotions have fluctuated so much over the past few weeks. One moment I’ll feel anxious and overwhelmed and then I’ll feel brave and strong, and then that turns into frustration, and the cycle keeps going. These ups and downs can be exhausting. So, I’m trying to be gentle and patient with myself as I try to make sense of how I’m experiencing life these days.

Here’s something we can try together to help us make sense of what we’re feeling.

Try these three steps with me right now:

1. Identify an uncomfortable feeling that you’ve been experiencing lately and allow it to be there. You might need to take a breath, be still for a few moments and check in with your heart and mind to see what’s there without judgment.

(In case you need some ideas, here are some words to explore: worried, disappointed, disconnected, afraid, frustrated, impatient, angry, resentful, jealous, hostile, confused, detached, numb, frozen, aloof, grief, unsettled, tired, exhausted, flustered, heartbroken, lonely, sad, depressed, tense, anxious, distressed, irritated, nervous, overwhelmed, sensitive, vulnerable)

2. Identify what the need is behind that feeling. It can help to ask yourself, “what is this feeling telling me about what I need right now?”

(Here are some examples of needs that we might have: connection, safety, affection, closeness, love, nurturing, soothing, respect, stability, support, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, trust, rest, movement, touch, security, honesty, play, joy, ease, harmony, order, space, meaning, peace, relaxation, clarity, creativity, hope, mourning, purpose, structure, expression, steadiness, expression, release)

3. Do something to meet that need, even if it’s something small or a step you can take to get that need met in the near future.

(For example: texting a friend and telling them how you feel to build connection and to be heard, close your eyes and take a few breaths to feel more steady and in control, roll your shoulders band and drop them down to bring in a little ease, or put one hand over your heart and say something comforting to yourself that’s soothing and supportive, or doing something to release your emotions)

Our goal here is not to do this process perfectly and our goal is not to immediately change the uncomfortable feeling. The goal is to be with yourself in the process so that you are not abandoning or pushing away how you are experiencing life right now.

I’ve give you an example of what this process has looked like for me. A few days ago, I allowed myself to be still for a few moments and realized that underneath all the worry and uncertainty, I was really feeling sadness. I realized I was grieving lost opportunities, I was missing my family, and deeply longing for normalcy.

When I allowed the sadness to be there, I realized the sadness was telling me that what I needed that day was to cry and let it out. My need at that moment wasn’t to feel happy, my need was to stop thinking about coronavirus for a while and instead attend to mourning my losses and missing what I longed for. And once I did cry it out, even though I still felt sad, I felt lighter and had more clarity.

So practice this. If you get stuck at a certain step in this process, be patient with yourself and know that even doing just one of these steps can be useful.

I got these lists of feeling and needs from The Center for Non-Violent Communication’s feelings inventory and needs inventory. You can find more extensive lists at those links in case that might help you.

Also, it’s likely that you’ll be communicating with someone who dealing with an uncomfortable feeling. You can try this process to support them too by listening to them and having them tell you how they are feeling, encouraging them to identify what it is they really need, and supporting them in meeting that need.

Remember, we will get through this one day at a time, one thing at time, and one moment at a time.

Ami Kunimura
March 25, 2020

Emotional connection is essential right now as we cope with stress and uncertainty. Here are ways you can stay emotionally connected to others and yourself.

1. Staying emotionally connected to others –

Social distancing and staying home is absolutely necessary for everyone’s health. This requires physical separation, but you can still remain emotionally connected. Here are some suggestions for emotional connectedness:

• Set up specific check-in times with family and friends that you can count on and look forward to. This can create a sense of security and routine.
• Instead of texting, call someone and hear their voice. Or, you can FaceTime with them or set up an online meeting.
• Tell people how you are feeling emotionally, not just physically. Physical symptoms are important to monitor, but stay in touch with your feelings too. Practice naming what you feel each day and sharing it with someone.
• Be honest with what you feel. It can be hard to talk about our fears, but fear will have less power over us when it’s expressed and not kept inside.
• Share the burden of this experience. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time and allow yourself to be in it with others rather than being the one fixing or solving the problem.
• In your conversations with others, ask questions that are strengths-based.
  For example: How have we gotten through other hard times together? What were some times in our lives when we were brave? What is energizing you right now? How do you think we’ll feel when this is over? What do you want to learn in this situation?
• Social interaction doesn’t always have to mean talking and conversing. Emotional connectedness can also be built by meditating, praying, playing music, being creative, or playing games together.

However, true emotional connectedness with others often requires boundaries. Here are some social boundaries that may be helpful:

• If too many Zoom calls are making you tired or you’re feeling overwhelmed by text messages or the increased screen time with people, it’s okay to set limits or take a break. Allow yourself a learning curve for this type of communication. Even though it happens in real time, virtual conversations have a different rhythm than in-person conversations and this can take some getting used to.
• If attempts for social connectedness are somehow making you feel more disconnected, try changing up your mode of communication, being more selective with who you communicate with, or adjusting the length of time of your interactions with others.
• If you find yourself reaching a saturation point with talking about coronavirus, say so with compassion. Saying something like “hey, can we talk about something else for right now so we can get a break from all this?” or “I don’t feel like talking about coronavirus right now” and then changing the subject can give you a break. We don’t have to talk about coronavirus all of time.

2. Staying emotionally connected to yourself –

The emotions we’re feeling at this time are not easy ones to tolerate. However, staying emotionally connected to yourself is a necessary part of moving through this experience and learning from it. Here are some suggestions on how to stay emotionally connected to yourself:

• If you are feeling anxious or worried, practice sitting with the feeling before pushing it away, trying to fix it, or distracting yourself from it. Don’t abandon yourself by abandoning your feelings.
• Sit and ask yourself, “How am I doing today?” and allow your heart and body time to answer.
• Honor feelings and emotions by naming what you are feeling and either writing it down or telling someone. Saying “I feel anxious” can discharge some of that anxiety and allow you to emotionally connect with yourself so that you can find a healthy way to self-soothe.
• Cry if you need to cry, laugh if you need to laugh
• Journal or write down what you are experiencing. You could also simply open up a blank document on your computer and keep an ongoing dialogue with yourself about what you are experiencing.
• Listen to music, create art, or engage in creativity.
• Meditation is one way you can practice sitting with yourself in a constructive way. I have two meditations below on this page for you to listen to for free. Listen to one of these today. If you are at home with someone (even your kids), have them listen with you. You can also listen to these on a break at work.

Practice sitting through the discomfort for short periods of time, and allow yourself to feel. And, practice enjoying the moments when you are feeling more comfortable feelings, allowing yourself to be fully present. The emotional connection you build with yourself is where you will find the answers on what to do next.

Even though there’s so much uncertainty right now, there is wisdom within yourself. Moments of stillness can allow you to go within and hear that wisdom. Listen to it. It’s there.

Ami Kunimura
March 18, 2020

I received many heart-felt questions about burnout, self-care, and well-being over the past couple of weeks, and I encourage you to keep asking. Many questions centered around how to know when you should quit your job and how to balance a professional and social life. I’ll be addressing these in the future.

This question was the most relevant and important to answer this week:

I’m worried about the spread of the coronavirus. What can I do to protect myself from being exposed besides washing my hands?

Take a breath, and let’s explore this. Right now, there’s a big focus on external prevention and preparation. Washing your hands, using hand sanitizer, and social distancing are important actions to take and are your first safeguards from pathogens.

But, what else can we do?

Let’s talk about internal prevention and preparedness. By internal, I mean focusing on what’s going on inside of your body and supporting the strength of your immune system and your mental health.

Here are two suggestions:

1. Sleep

Research shows that sleep plays an essential role in the function of your immune system. A lack of sleep can cause inflammation in your body, which can impair your immune system. The National Sleep Foundation recommends 7-9 hours of sleep per night for optimal health (for adults).

Sleep also supports the response of T-cells (specialized cells in your immune system that recognize harmful pathogens and activate the body’s response to fight it) and supports the production of cytokines (proteins secreted by the immune system that help mediate immunity).

Sleep is one of your biggest defenses that’s within your control. We want to focus not only on getting enough sleep, but also on getting quality sleep. If in case you’re a new parent, you’re a shift worker, or for some reason getting a full night of sleep is difficult for you, taking naps can be helpful too.

Sleep can also support your mental health and cognition so you can make clearer decisions in the next few weeks as this situation develops.

2. Grounding

Grounding is a self-care practice that can be used to manage anxiety and stress. Some stress and anxiety is normal and okay. Coronavirus is impacting individuals, organizations, countries, and this is likely impacting your life, work, and the plans you had this month so it’s normal to feel stressed from this.

However, we do want to be careful of anxiety and stress turning into panic. If you start feeling extremely anxious or panicked use these feeling as signals that you need to take a moment to ground yourself or self-soothe (especially before consuming any more information). These states can be hard on your physical and mental health.

I also encourage you to be aware of how you’re responding to any anxiety you might feel. Anxiety can feel like having an elevated heart rate, difficulty focusing, feeling shaky or unsteady, irritability, restlessness, or repetitive behaviors such as constantly checking social media. Use these symptoms as signals that your body and mind need some self-soothing.

Here are some ways you can ground yourself or self-soothe when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious:

• Set a timer on your phone for 3-5 minutes and focus on your breathing. It can help to count your breaths. Slow down your breath and make your exhalations longer than your inhalations.
• Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground, and focus on the connection of your feet to the floor.
• Set a boundary with how you consume media. In times like these it can be easy to become stressed by all the information constantly coming in. It’s a good idea to stay aware and informed of what’s going on, but stay in control of how you take in information so you don’t get overwhelmed. An example of this is allowing yourself to check social media or the news at the top of each hour, or at specific times during the day.
• If you feel confused or have a lot of questions running through your mind, get out a piece of paper and make a list of the questions that you’re thinking about. Then, go through your list and address each question one at a time, adding to the list as you need to.
• I have a free 3-minute grounding meditation you can listen to below on this page.

It may also be beneficial to be proactive and sit down and make a plan of action regarding how you and your loved ones can quarantine while staying in contact, and make a plan regarding what to do should you or your loved ones develop symptoms. This can help you feel more in control. Write down the appropriate phone numbers to call for either medial or psychological support. You can also make a plan about what to do about your work, and discuss this with your supervisor or coworkers if necessary.

Self-care is critical right now and kindness is mandatory.

Prioritizing your self-care is a way you can do your part.

(Note: These are suggestions are not a replacement for medical advice. Reach out to your local professionals if you need medical or psychological support.)

Ami Kunimura
March 11, 2020